It is now 11 days till Daniel get's home. I seriously can't believe it. This whole idea just comes nearer every day of how my life was supposed to be.
Yesterday I realized something new about myself and Daniel that I had never known. It all occurred while I sat at Chad Johnson's house who had only returned from his mission 1 day before. There was also Chad Healey who had just gotten back too. As I talked to Basia and Ally, I realized that I did not live the life I wanted. I realized that I had always wanted to live Daniel's life. I tried to shape mine like his, but it couldn't be. I never was on Seminary Council or the Hope Squad. I never was the shining light nice guy that everyone admired. I never was the guy who had enough courage to put his foot down on a pre-mission relationship. I never was part of Guys in Ties, I never had many guy friends in choir. I never was good enough for myself. I've slowly begun to realize that Daniel had everything I ever wanted, because I always wanted to be Daniel. It's no wonder that I'm more excited to see his friends coming back then I will to see mine, well I guess I don't know that, but that's the way it feels right now. I didn't live my life the way I always wanted to live it. I always wanted Daniel's friends who loved him and did things together every weekend. Who through thick and thin were always around and especially, who were consistent. I never had any of that. Ya I had a few friends who cared, a few who were consistent, and probably the same few in all the categories of the people who were there for the good, the bad, and the ugly. I guess that's why no one ever tried to be Daniel's friend back. I'm sure no one will ever understand this, but it's the truth that I am unsatisfied with the way I've lived my life so far, because he should've been there for it, and maybe I should be satisfied with the way I've lived my life.
That was and is how I kind of still feel till last night when I dreamed of my best friends, and I realized all that I still had. I have so many good friends. I have my ward brothers and all of my friend sisters, and all of those people that I have talks with into the wee hours of the night. While Daniel was gone I grew up. David and I finally became best friends, and now he actually wants to go places with me when I invite him. If Daniel would've been home I never would've had Shanelle, my best friend in the whole wide world. And look how much I've learned from her. I probably never would've written music. I would have stuck myself in his shadow on purpose. In fact if he had not gone, he might've gotten married by now. I never would've been able to learn for myself if Daniel would've been here for the past two years.
I suppose my life is the way it is supposed to be. Switchfoot says in one of their songs, "This is your life. Are you who you want to be?" Well, no but I'm trying to be. These next 6 months with Daniel home will be the best 6 months of my life. Then the next 2 years will be the best of my life. And the next 80 will be almost as good as the best 2 years of my life. Surely I will have The Best Day Ever every day through all of these experiences. I'm grateful for the lessons my High School years have taught me. I'm grateful for the friends I gained, still pained for the friends I lost, missing the friends that are still gone, and excited for the friends I'll make. I'm grateful for my past even if it wasn't what I always wanted to be. It's my fault, so maybe I can share the lessons I learned with those learning them right now, so that they don't have to blog 6 months after High School about how they wish they could go back and change their decisions. It's been a good two years Daniel, I hope you know how much I love you.
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